Dear Reverend…

 

Photo: Will Andrews

NB: The following column contains swearing and blue jokes. Proceed at your own risk… (It’s supposed to be funny, by the way).

Dear Reverend,

Since leaving me, my girlfriend goes to all the regular haunts I do. It is devastating to watch her gallivant with other men. I loathe every single man who talks to her now. My problem is that every time I try to masturbate, the only images that come into my head is her having sex with one of those boys she gets chatted up by. What can I do about this Reverend????

Richard Johnson

Jesus Christ Richard!!!
 Ease up on yourself buddy… you probably didn’t get this much fun out of her when you were together. Think about it: everybody’s happy. They get to have sex with your woman, she gets to not be with you, and you get to have a great time wanking and pretending you’re not gay. Mercy! Don’t let them judge you Richard – if any people out there say they haven’t enjoyed a good paranoid psycho-sexual gangbang fantasy then they haven’t fully enjoyed coming down off Class A drugs.

Dear Reverend,
Say I was hypothetically in love with a hypothetical lecturer, should I hypothetically tell them?

Yours,

Jennifer Lyndon

Hypothetical living: the guys at HQ have been pioneering this shit since 5,000 B.C. The kingdom is within you Jennifer, so hypothetically ‘yes’ tell him how you feel! Hypothetically I’m not here, I’m out hunting dolphins! So go for it sister, we could wake up tomorrow to find its all been hypothetical and we’re being molested by an orderly. In Africa. Amen.

Dear Reverend,
I have been seeing a guy on my course for a few weeks now, and we really want to sleep together. There’s just one problem – my third nipple. I’ve had a serious boyfriend before and he always said he didn’t mind and never told anyone else about it, but I know I may not be so lucky this time. What if he told everyone else on our course? Should I tell him beforehand and get it all out in the open, or say nothing and hope he doesn’t notice it?

Yours, in inner turmoil,
Name withheld

Girl, it’s a self esteem thing - a man would screw his own waste if it made him feel less self conscious. I know you’re looking for Daddy to say it’s ok. Baby, he can’t and I won’t. He stayed. I didn’t. But I will say this, if my journeys through the Great Lakes region of sub-Saharan Africa have shown me one thing, it’s that you can have many nipples -  two nipples, three nipples, nine nipples, the only thing that matters to a man is ‘Do you have ‘one’ vagina…and where are your brothers hiding?’  Shalome.

Dear Reverend,
What does love feel like?

Yours in anticipation,
Francine Carpenter

Dear Francine,
First off, I think we should seek to answer your problem on a journey together through the forests of central Africa. Beneath the vines we’d eat fruits, which you’d pick, and nuts, which I would have brought with me. We could ponder God’s gift to us – love – while I attempted to pump you in a tent. There we would find the answer, I hope… but for me right now, love…well, love feels like being shot out of a cannon – into a swimming pool full of dildos. 

Published in Veritas 2007

Dear Reverend…

 

Photo: Will Andrews

This time I decided to allow the Reverend to flaunt his considerable intellectual prowess and tackle some tough academic questions. Not content with sorting out your miserable ‘love’ life, he’s taking on your burning sociological and psychological queries. He doesn’t have an honorary degree from the University of Zimbabwe personally signed by Mugabe just because he’s good-looking.

What effect do the ancient Pict tribe have on the modern Scottish accent?
What chance do the ancient Picts have when logic doesn’t seem to affect the Scottish accent? Have you ever heard a Glaswegian say ‘I love you’? – it sounds like an Orc demanding a gangbang. Don’t get me wrong, I love the people of this country and the way they choose to speak – where else in the northern hemisphere can you order food with a sneeze?  Indeed the Scottish accent is recognised the world over… as a target for insurgent snipers and African gigolos. But I digress; did the ancient Picts have an effect on the Scottish accent? That would be a no. Thanks to my LSD powered sensory deprivation tank, my studies have shown that the Picts did not have language as we know it – instead they communicated largely through complex guitar arrangements and blasphemy. In finality, God has told me this to tell you that one day the people of the world shall all speak as one, in one unified accent: Mandarin.

Is time linear?
Is time linear? I don’t know. But I do know the sagging of my scrotal sack is pretty linear.  In fact if one thing tripping in two bath tubs welded together has shown me it’s that time does not exist. It is a marketing ploy – devised by Satan to get us to miss our trains. But still, if you can ask that question with your dying breath I’ll personally defend you in front of St Peter. Peace.

How can we sort out North Korea?
Love, my friend. Love and Christianity – by the sword if need be, then a 2,000 year quest for a guilt free wank. It worked for us.

Can the UN still be regarded as an effectively functioning body when it seems no longer necessary to gain its approval before entering into an international incident?
I love the U.N. Their work in Rwanda ensured we all had 5 star accommodation to return to once everyone was dead – and Kofi Annan, he has to be Daniel Day Lewis’ best work yet. But would you ask your Dad’s permission to take part in a racially motivated sex crime?
Ultimately you have to believe the U.N. is working – because if we didn’t we’d have to admit it wasn’t and then you’re one step away from strapping a crossbow to your wrist and declaring yourself War Duke of the local gas station.
Still not convinced? Then I cordially invite you to a three day screening of ‘Mars Attacks’ in my drugs barrel.

What is the true value of a Big Mac?
1p of bread roll, 1p of lettuce, 1p of cheese wax, 2 rupees of beef, 50p of beef flavouring and complimentary rats faeces. Make Mine Marvel.

What effect does the proliferation of social networking sites have on the authenticity of human representation?
I’m all for it. If it wasn’t for Myspace I wouldn’t have met my wife. Or Ian Huntley.

Published in Veritas in 2008

Punk Column

Just when you thought punk was dead, buried and forgotten and it seemed only a glowing recession of unpaid credit and national distrust of the Government could possibly resurrect a generation of discontented youth…

Punk collective Vive Le Punk presents ‘77 band the Rezillos performing their album ‘Can’t Stand the Rezillos’ in its entirety. They play Edinburgh’s Liquid Rooms on the 22nd.

Dairy Crest, who own Country Life Butter and fronted a £5 million advertising campaign which featured John Lydon (Sex Pistols’ Johnny Rotten) have reported a drop of more than a quarter in its share prices after airing the commercial. Not sure they chose the best man to sell it to the masses…

BrewDog, a brewery in Fraserburgh, Scotland, is being investigated for encouraging irresponsible behaviour after launching Punk IPA and Hop Rocker. The main seller, Punk IPA, reads ‘this is an aggressive beer, we don’t care if you like it’ on the label. Co-founder of Brewdog defended his Punk beer label saying that the aggression was in reference to the taste rather than anything physical: “The word ‘aggressive’ is used because of the biting bitterness in it. It’s a heavily hopped beer. It’s not something you can drink a lot of.” 

‘Punk Rock Karaoke’ are set to release a new CD/DVD featuring guitarist Eric Melvin (NOFX), bassist Steve Soto (Adolescents), drummer Derek O’Brien (Social Distortion) and guitarist Greg Hetson (Bad Religion, Circle Jerks). The disc will spit out 10 tracks for you to shout along to, including tunes from Black Flag, Stiff Little Fingers, Dead Kennedys, Minor Threat and the Buzzcocks and comes out on October 28,2008. Flipper are re-releasing their albums on vinyl after a long period of them bring out of print.

There seems to be fuck all on in Edinburgh in the run-up to the Winter Festival. Perhaps all the punks have gone intro hibernation, using the chilly months to cultivate their hairstyles and nurture their spiky jackets. The alternative is that they are traveling en masse down to Sheffield or London, where Discharge will be bashing out their legendary d-beat noise. They’re flogging their new CD at the shows, so if you go down, pick up a copy and drop it by the Veritas office. A little birdie told me they may be playing in Scotland early next year. However, the birdie may be slightly unreliable as they are always wasted by 11 am, especially if it’s a week day.

Anyways, seeing as there isn’t really much to do, I suggest getting really drunk and going on the Ferris Wheel in Princes Street. Ten points if you manage to puke on a tourist. 20 points if it’s while you’re ice skating.

Originally published in Veritas December 2008 Issue 101. Co-written by Demian Hobby.